Been On Hiatus

For those of you playing at home, "hiatus" means "I got wrapped up in another project and kept meaning to get back here, and really would have, too, probably, if everything else had gone to plan, but it didn't, and the next thing I knew a whole freakin' month had blown past, and it's nearly freakin' December and how the hell did THAT happen, I haven't even gotten used to it being 2018 yet, crap, I gotta blog something before I fall completely out of the loop, maybe tomorrow — crap yet again, four days later, and now it IS December, still putzing around being utterly worthless, and culminating with the traditional 'Come to Jesus' meeting with myself that basically consists of, 'Would you please just drag your lazy ass over to the keyboard and FREAKIN' WRITE SOMETHING?'"

Of course, that's the technical description. In common usage it means "I'm not being useless, I'm taking a break for some important reason or another probably involving the betterment of the world in general and mankind in particular." 

It's all very high-minded.

This time out, or dry spell, or whatever best face I can put on it, is finally broken by dealing with my brother's wife (my sister-in-law) and my daughter-in-law's mother (I don't know what that makes her to me, probably there isn't a name for it) who, with the approaching holiday season, have radically boosted their production of helpful household and health tips. It seems the current thing is to use vinegar for about everything, as in "A two-parts water one-part vinegar solution will clean those pesky barnacles from your wooden sailing ship, and spraying it along your baseboards mixed with organic dish soap will keep ants out of your house!"

In the last few weeks I've heard about soaking your feet in bicarbonate to lower (or is it raise?) your pH level to cure/prevent cancer, tin foil to keep your cell phone from killing you, dialing "711" which is the secret government number for REAL emergencies (much superior to "911"), and home-made grated orange peel and kale-infused garden mud compounds to treat axe wounds and make your cat's fur shiny.

There is literally no dumbass idea or home remedy that has ever existed in the history of mankind on earth that these clowns will not forward to me — well, not JUST me, to everyone they know.

I actually thought they were just taking the piss, as the Brits say, in reaction to the fact that I've more than once responded to their breathtakingly freakshow advice with a friendly "Well, there's the dumbest thing on the internet today" observation. I make these little notes in order to encourage them to better research their sources and, I dunno, read a book once in awhile or something. In the circles where I hang out, of course, this would be an open invitation to amuse themselves by deluging me with crapola because they've noticed it annoys me.

Also, it seems if they're actually doing all this junk they'd be living in vinegar-reeking, mud-smeared hovels surrounded by chicken-fat cockroach traps, and under constant threat of exploding and/or burning to the ground, given some of the more recklessly aggressive candle-and-stove-related household tips. In fact, however, they and their homes actually appear to be entirely mostly sort of normal, although it's worth noting that their kids had kind of a hunted quality to them till they got old enough to move out. Related? I dunno, but sleeping in a home every night where mom thinks that it's a good idea to wrap your feet in vinegar-soaked red onion slices to "draw out the toxins" just can't have a completely happy outcome is all I'm saying.

Anyhow, it turns out they aren't jerking my chain at all, that they're in fact as sincere as Mormon Missionaries or that other cult whose name escapes me but who litters copies of "Watchtower" all over the neighborhood, and very nearly as persistently irritating in their evangelical zeal. (Bonus: How come all Mormon Missionaries have a faint red dot on their foreheads? It's from being repeatedly poked by the forefingers of annoyed homeowners telling them to get the fuck off their porch. You're welcome.)

This all seems to have come to a head, since both my brother and my daughter-in-law have talked to me about it in the last couple of months. These conversations were drawn from the same script, i.e., that their relatives have noticed that I laugh at and ridicule their perfectly bat-shit postings, and hardly ever do so to anyone else's, and they therefore feel like I'm picking on them.

I explained that it's just a statistical fluke caused by the fact that no one else I know seems to spend hours every day forwarding the Ancient Eastern Secret Of Increasing Your Pet's IQ By Including A Pinch of Echinacea Squeezin's Into Their Organic Meat Substitute; therefore they just SEEM to be more mocked or laughed at. In fact, I mock or laugh at nearly 100% of mouthbreather-oriented stuff I run across on my feed, and it's hardly MY fault if their bizarro "Make Your Own Non-Toxic Sunscreen By Recycling Used Motoroil And Butternut Extract" crapola makes up a higher proportion of their communications than practically anyone else's.

Perhaps, I suggested gently, it would be useful for them to not be so brain-damaged 24/7. If that's not an option, maybe they should just take the "crazier than a shit-house rat" crapola that they send to me and just share it with other wild-eyed, paranoiac, low-information sorts, and not so much with people who actually have a lick of sense.

These suggestions seem to have been rejected out of hand, and in fact have increased their annoyance level with me as expressed by the fact that they now include a disclaimer that tells everyone concerned that my likely response just means I'm a non-woke shill apologist for any of a dozen corporate interests/Governments/Lizard People who actually run the world, and should be ignored.

As I'm cognizant of their needs and opinions, I have considered whether it really matters in the long run. They are family, after all, and I really do like them in their more rational phases. So I've decided to be more sensitive about how I approach these little wads of nonsensical horseshit: I now mark my responses with a large, flashing Illuminati avatar, which, based on early returns, seems to be going down well with everyone else, anyhow, and gives all their readers fair notice to just skip over whatever I have to say.

I oughta work in international diplomacy.

So, I need some advice, if you've read this far: I'm feeling pretty guilty for being a corporate/Government/lizard shill, and I want to give back. Will it make me feel better if for Christmas I just go ahead and get the most expensive stuff I can using all the shill-bux I've earned by posting propaganda this year instead of the paltry wad of real money I'd intended?