Unmasked

 

So, my job has finally complied with CDC recommendations and decided that those of us with complete vaccination (practically all of us) can stop wearing snot-filters 24/7.

Well, they don’t call them “snot filters”. I believe the actual governmental description is “Face Condoms” as they are intended to keep us from sloshing various biologicals onto or into people we don’t know pretty damned well, and maybe them, too. The boss prefers the description “Mask”, although he’ll tolerate “Snot Filter”.

But he said “Face Condom” is probably going to offend some whiny bint somewhere. This had opposite of the effect he was apparently going for as I shortly had a t-shirt printed that graphically referred to them. He pulled me aside and clarified that I was supposed to NOT offend the whiny bints.

Well, excuse the fuck out of me, how am I supposed to know that? After all, I, as most Americans, need strict guidance to navigate the complex minefields of Personal Offense these days, and his failure to explicitly provide it to me is — well, offensive.

I’m now distraught and trying to find a support group. With luck I can wrangle this into an week of “Mental Health Recovery Days” as they call ‘em around here when your little feelers get mashed up by some unfeeling asshole and you need a break. If I can combine it with vacation, THAT would be sweet.

Anyhow, no more masks!

I always used a “gator” style of pull-up mask which covered me from the nose down to the bottom of my neck, and all the way up about 1/2 way over my ears. I looked like one of the old-school bank robbers. Once some crusty unmasked redneck in a convenience store looked at me and shook his head and said this mask crap was a bad idea, since we could no longer tell who was fixin’ to rob the place.

I told him it was a new world and that he needed to look for different societal cues. For example, perhaps the guy with the gun who is telling you to give him all your money would be the new standard of suspicion. I also opined on the likely intellectual capability of anyone who couldn’t figure that out on their own, which did not go down as well as I’d hoped. I blame the mask and sunglasses which kept my expression from conveying the humorous intent of my remark, although he somehow picked up on the “laughing at you, not with you” subtlety pretty quick.

People just have no sense of humor these days.

But now I presume he’s happy as he can go back to crouching in the store aisles with his hand on his pistol-grip “covering” all the suspicious people who are wearing shit that keeps him from identifying friend or foe.

Dumbass.

As for me, I’m thinking of continuing to wear it. Or at least one like it. I think I can get one printed with “Inoculated But Still Hiding From The Surveillance State”, or “Don’t Be Silly, I’m Not Hitting On You — I’m <Insert Your Significant Other’s Name Here>”.

I’m anticipating more helpful chats with the boss. Gonna be a good vacation this year.