Blog Spammers, New Orleans, and Fruit Salad

Well, the fucking blog spammers found me the other day and started hitting my "comments" section. Here's a quote from a couple of their entries:

"I give your blog an A+ with a Gold Star! I really enjoy your content and will be back very frequently! I enjoyed the information you had on asbestos as well. I actually have an asbestos blog with all kinds of cool things in it. May I put a link to this blog of yours on mine?
# posted by allison : 01 September, 2005 18:38

Very nice work on your blog, It was fun to read! I am still not done reading everything, but I bookmarked you! I really like reading about asbestos and even created a asbestos blog of my own if you are interested!
# posted by mia : 01 September, 2005 19:24"

OK, look, what are the odds that two asbestos-oriented babes with their own "asbestos blogs" turned up at the same time, never mind FOUR? Now, as it happens, I DO have a cult-like following of some of the hottest females (and at least two Persons Of Indeterminate Sexual Orientation) on the internet, many of whom think that everything I say is The Word From The Mountain and most of whom, deep in their heart of hearts lust after me with dangerous abandon. However, NONE have set up "asbestos blogs".

Related note before I forget: Jennifer Anniston would be horribly embarrassed if it should be alleged that she frequents this blog, and I, being a true gentleman, hereby state unequivocally that she is NOT and NEVER HAS BEEN a fan of yours truly, and in fact anything she says that indicates that she's never heard of me or my blog before is 100% accurate. (That statement OK, Jen? You're welcome. Tell Courtney I said "Hey!")

Anyhow, Googling up the master URL of these scumbags (http://www.blog-society.com) reveals them to be...(drum roll, please).....an "Affiliate Marketing" site.

I'm so disappointed. For a minute there, I thought that a half-dozen or so Stepford-wife types were sitting around banging out identical missives to me telling me what a studmuffin I really am and trying to invent new ways to be nice to me. (Sigh) Guess that only happens once. Too bad, kinda spoiled me there.

**********
So, I'm watching the New Orleans thing. Main complaint seems to be that efforts to bail out dumbasses who didn't get out of the way of a major hurricane were too slow. In fact, the specific complaint was that "this had been projected to happen for years," and "why weren't resources in place to deal with it?" Uhmm. Yeah.

You bullet-headed turds live in an ancient, corrupt, reeking, creaking, dangerous city built in a disease-infested, sinking, swampy bowl set next to the ocean but below sea level and surrounded on three sides by huge bodies of water, in an area where hurricanes are endemic.

In other words, New Orleans is exactly as described, the "most European of American cities". (The place was too nasty for even the French who, after establishing the mudhole as a city, scraped it off on the ever-gullible 'Mercans for $0.03 per acre as part of the "downside" to the Louisiana Purchase.)

In any event, it was a 100% certainty that sooner rather than later you're going to wind up with a few thousand looters wading around in chest-deep water pushing bloated corpses out of the way in order to shoot at one another and their betters. Based on that, according to The Official Angry Negros In Congress Coalition, we were supposed to keep an entire EXTRA city-full of supplies and a battalion of battle-hardened Marines on standby in the IMMEDIATE area to cover people on 20 minutes notice just in case they were too stupid to listen to a week's worth of warnings to evacuate when the inevitable occurs.

And when it DOES occur, and you decide to heroically "ride the storm out," please allow me to spend about one bazillion tax dollars to send in the most expensive equipment in the universe to lift your nappy ass off your rooftop.

There's a plan.

I got a better idea: Fuck y'all. We'll be along when we get the chance and a few free moments.

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One of the minisprogs, who is the light of my life, has completely fried my head. Not her fault, of course. She, being only 18 months old, does not speak all that much English, but one of the things she CAN say is "Wiggle Wiggle!" which she will repeat approximately 175,000 times or until someone plugs in the "Wiggles" videotape she adores.

(NOTE: She says a lot of stuff, actually, but with strong emphasis on "Daddy!" "Mommy!" and "Poop!" the last of which is usually accompanied by a worried look and a brownish miasma of stockyard-in-August intensity.)

"The Wiggles," in case by some fluke you haven't heard of them, are a four-man Aussie group who dress rather like colorful versions of early Mr Spok and spend their time playing and singing songs aimed at pre-schoolers. Apparently they are the Current Thing amongst Parents Who Care.

Oh.

My.

Gawd.

These clowns have invented a style of music which is made up entirely of hooks, repetitive phrasing, and simple, bouncy, rhythmic beats. In short, once you hear this stuff, you CAN NOT get it out of your head. How advertising moguls have overlooked this little crew is a complete mystery. On the upside, they are neither purple nor dinosaurs.

The most cripplingly infectious song on the tape (which I watched with the minisprog morning, noon, and night, for nearly a week) is a little ditty called "Fruit Salad". Now, if you click on the link, you'll get a 30-second sample of "Fruit Salad" (about 250K or so). If, however, you wish to live the rest of your life WITHOUT this thing rattling around in your head, give it a miss. Here are the lyrics, which should give you a feel for the intensity of the experience:

Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!
Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!
Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!
Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, Fruit Salaaaaaad!

Let's make a fruit salad today,
(Ah uh huh!)
It's fun to do, it's a healthy way!
(Ah uh huh!)
Mix all the fruit that you want to eat,
It's gonna be, a fruit salad treat!

The first step
Peel your bananas
(Ah uh huh!)
The second step
Toss in some grapes
(Ah uh huh!)
The third step
Chop up some apples
Chop up some melons and put them on your plate

Now we've made it, it's time to eat it
(Ah uh huh!)
It tastes so good that you just can't beat it
(Ah uh huh!)
Give everyone a plate and a spoon
We'll all be eating it very soon

The first step
Eat up the bananas
(Ah uh huh!)
The second step
Eat up some grapes
(Ah uh huh!)
The third step
Eat up some apples
Eat up the melons now there's nothing on your plate

Now we had our fruit salad today
(Ah uh huh!)
It's time to put the scraps away
(Ah uh huh!)
Wash the bowl and wash the spoon
Let's do it all again real soon

Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!
Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!
Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!
Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, Fruit Salaaaaaad!

Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!
Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!
Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!
Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!
Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!
Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!

So, anyhow, my bike crew and I were making our monthly "Bar Hop and Hooters Tour" run the other day. Ton's o' leather, tattoos, noise, grizzled old bikers, testosterone, tits and ass -- a very "Born To Be Wild" moment. And what "life music" do I have playing in my head? Do you have to ask?

Fruit Salad!
Yummy, Yummy!....
In Our Next Episode: Fruit Salad! Yummy, Yummy!