The Calm Center

I have two books which are autographed by the author. I normally don't pay any attention to that, but I'm proud to have these. They are the two most famous books written by Lt Col Dave Grossman -- "On Killing," and "On Combat." I recommend them wholeheartedly to everyone, particularly to anyone for whom personal combat is even a remote possibility or for anyone -- maybe especially for anyone -- for whom personal combat is simply not an option at any time, ever.

In the last few years, I have been more than a little consumed with getting my feet under me. I'd been feeling as if I'd lost my way. Every day I fought it, with varying degrees of success. I knew I was in deep water, had lost my focus. Frankly, I assumed that it was mostly a function of getting old, getting burned out.

But then I got an Audible account -- the service that makes audio-books -- because I spend an ungodly amount of time on the road and figured I'd just as well be learning something. 

I listened to a spectacular book on the history of about everything, then went to find something else to entertain me. And I ran across The Colonel's books. I bought and downloaded them on a lark. I was mostly just curious whether he still sounded the same as he did back when we'd talked, and because I recalled the books seemed important.

And there, right fucking there, was my center place, that spot I'd forgotten how to get to.

“...after 60 days and nights of constant combat, 98 percent of all soldiers became psychiatric casualties....What about the other two percent? They were aggressive sociopaths. They were apparently having a good time. (At least that is the conclusion of two World War II researchers, Swank and Marchand. But recent research shows that that two percent breaks down into wolves and sheepdogs....)

"Here is the point I like to emphasize, especially to the thousands of police officers and soldiers I speak to each year. In nature the sheep, real sheep, are born as sheep. Sheepdogs are born that way, and so are wolves. They didn’t have a choice. But you are not a critter. As a human being, you can be whatever you want to be. It is a conscious, moral decision.

"If you want to be a sheep, then you can be a sheep and that is okay, but you must understand the price you pay. When the wolf comes, you and your loved ones are going to die if there is not a sheepdog there to protect you. If you want to be a wolf, you can be one, but the sheepdogs are going to hunt you down and you will never have rest, safety, trust or love. But if you want to be a sheepdog and walk the warrior’s path, then you must make a conscious and moral decision every day to dedicate, equip and prepare yourself to thrive in that toxic, corrosive moment when the wolf comes knocking at the door.”

― Dave Grossman, On Combat: The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace

And there you have it. I know it means nothing to you, but for me it was rather like losing a valuable and irreplaceable thing, searching for it, and finally resigning yourself to the fact that you'll never see it again, and suddenly, years later, you happen to put your hand in that drawer or pocket or behind that piece of furniture, and there it is -- and you cannot for the life of you figure out how you managed to lose it in the first place.

I've been watching the wolves gather and could not get my head back into the joy of the game, the place it needs to be to do the things that need done. The wolves are a danger to me, but they're careful to keep their distance unless I let my guard down. They know it's a sure way to a bloody outcome. So I'm OK. I even understand them.  

We're related on a very primal level, you know.

But I'd lost track of the sheep, my connection to them, and watching the wolves circle closer, I'd dropped into a quasi-apathy about the near-certain outcome. I was so fucking tired. And, examining myself, I've even discovered that I was angry at the sheep. For being sheep, if you can imagine. Stupid.  At the end of the day, it's their nature and not their fault. I'd do as well to be angry at  the sun for coming up in the East every morning.  

And, more importantly, THEY are the civilization, THEY are kinda the whole point, these gentle creatures who will never harm anyone, who don't even have the basic capacity to think like we do, who just are trying to live their lives.

And there was that sentence -- the one I'd forgotten: "...if you want to be a sheepdog and walk the warrior’s path, then you must make a conscious and moral decision every day to dedicate, equip and prepare yourself to thrive in that toxic, corrosive moment when the wolf comes knocking at the door.”

So simple. How had I forgotten it?  And, just like that, I'm back. The joy of combat is back.

Thank you, Colonel.

I know at least one of you has read at least one of these books. They aren't some goofball pop psychology. One was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, and both are on the Commandant of the Marine Corp's "Mandatory Reading" list. Both are "Mandatory Reads" at the FBI's training facility in Quantico, and both are heavily used in military, police, and combat training from coast to coast. From a website talking about him:

"(The author) Lt. Col. Grossman is an internationally recognized scholar, author, soldier, and speaker who is one of the world's foremost experts in the field of human aggression and the roots of violence and violent crime. Col. Grossman is a West Point psychology professor, Professor of Military Science, and an Army Ranger. Col. Grossman has made revolutionary new contributions to our understanding of killing in war, the psychological costs of war, the root causes of the current "virus" of violent crime that is raging around the world, and the process of healing the victims of violence, in war and peace."

Get them. Read them. This is stuff  you need to know, if for no other reason than to understand the world a bit better.

In Our Next Episode:  The nature of things.