That Time I Stepped On My Own D*** At Walmart

Of all the times I've had encounters at Walmart or Sam's Club, there's only been once where I felt like a complete shitheel. You want to hear about it? Of course you do.

I was at Walmart roaming around, doing stuff. Trying to get enough things bought so that I wouldn’t have to go back anytime soon.

As always, it was on the verge of being crowded. Too many baskets, too many people in the too narrow aisles, all jostling for position around clots of selfish pricks filling the space while browsing, visiting, wasting time.

I was hung up at a dead stop in one of these white-trash eddies when I saw her. No, it wasn’t so much that I saw her — she just happened to be in front of me, studying coffee brands. Nice looking woman, a bit taller than average, maybe late 40s or early 50s, silvering dark hair, and sad brown eyes. Her softly patrician face had a Mediterranean cast. Jewish, Italian, maybe Greek? Who knows. She was wearing a formless sweatshirt with some sort of fading college logo on it, and jeans-style "mom pants" down to her nondescript flats.

She looked worn down. Not really physically, I don't think. Just clothed in a well-worn attitude of expecting no more of her life than sadly sleepwalking though her day comparing coffee prices in Walmart. There seem to be thousands like her, drifting through their days, the disappointed burdens of whatever life they've lead or are leading grinding them down to a hollow simulacrum of who they thought they'd be.

But still, it only took about two seconds to see past that scratched and pitted layer of translucent camouflage and find a living, fine looking woman underneath, heart and mind dormant but alive. Snow White in her frosted glass coffin, awaiting a touch of real life.

Dare I say she was sexy? Of course not. Not PC at all, right?

But she was. Thicker through the middle than she used to be, doubtless, but we all are, aren't we? She had a great old-school build with a little meat on her, not that bone-and-piano-wire plasticine construct that passes for beauty these days.

She looked good.

A lot of men, those who spend their time fantasizing about the 20-something hardbodies scattered everywhere around them, would have never glanced at her for a second. If they did, would have mentally written her off as “old and dumpy.”

But she wasn’t, of course, just middle aged and tired.

Watching her, I smiled. Fascinated, probably daydreaming a bit, I let my gaze linger about a tenth of a second too long.

What can I say. She caught me looking.

She glanced at me and flushed a little.

“Excuse me,” she said sharply, “can I help you with something?”

I automatically fell back on my “offense” defense.

“I don’t think so,” I said. “Why?”

“Well, you’re staring hard enough. What do you want?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.

“Right,” she snorted.

“Lady, do I know you?” I asked, trotting out my 'impatient' voice.

Suddenly deflated, she said, “Oh, I thought you were…well, never mind, I’m sorry.”

She turned and started to push her basket down the aisle, clearly embarrassed, another bit of crushing gray in what seemed a gray day for her.

“Wait,” I said, "I was being an ass. You shouldn’t apologize. I should, and I do. I was looking, and I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. I didn't mean anything by it.”

“Oh,” she said. "Why were you looking?”

“Pretty things just catch my eye,” I said, shrugging, “and you made me smile. Seriously, I'm sorry — I was out of line.” Annoyed at myself, I pushed my basket to the end of the row and around the corner.

“Hey,” I heard her say behind me, borderline angry as I walked away. I didn’t look back.

Later, I saw her over in the electronics section. She didn’t see me, and I turned to walk back the way I came. But I saw she was holding a multi-box of printer ink as if she were reading it, but she was just gazing at it, unfocused, distracted. And she was smiling and gently nodding, tapping her foot, and quietly humming some tune I couldn’t quite hear.

I was wrong about the "pretty".

She was beautiful.