The Worst Traffic Accident Ever

Now this guy, who we'll call "D.D." since I can't think up a name that doesn't actually belong to someone, which would piss them off, which doesn't bother me, but they might get the blame and/or credit, which WOULD bother me 'cause, as you know I'm such a sensitive sort...where was I? Oh, yeah, so this guy, "D.D." (which is a pain to type what with all the quotes and periods and whatnot, so I'll just call him Dee Dee from here on out)...

Fuck me, is it just me or is this getting nowhere?

OK, beginning again: Dee Dee is an idiot.

Well, not really, he's just kinda "challenged". All right, to be accurate, there's no "kinda" about it. He's a no-kidding,full-blown, mouth-breathing 'tard. Now, Dee Dee's been around since Christ was a corporal. In fact, we actually went to high school together back in the late 60s which is the last time he sorta fit in, since there was so much dope smoking, acid dropping, and general weirdness in those days that Dee Dee's obvious shortcomings seemed fairly innocuous. After all, the differences between even a profound 'tard and some Junior class doper trying to figure out which classroom he's supposed to be in after 45 minutes of smoking Maui Wowie in the parking lot are not all that obvious. I knew Dee Dee, as did everyone, but the first really direct contact I had with him occurred because of a girl.

In fact, now that I think of it, most of the answers to questions, incidents, or "whys" in my life, can be resolved by the statement: Because Of A Girl.

This particular girl was a pretty little thing (actually a pretty, long, lanky thing, with straight brown hair to the middle of her back that always smelled lightly of Prell and hash), whom Dee Dee had fixated on.

He drove her to distraction, what with following her 24/7 and being a general 'tard goofball about the whole thing and even though she was a professed peace and love hippie who prided herself on accepting anyone except Republicans, police, and other unspecified representatives of The Man, she was frankly right to the teeth with it, especially considering all the snickering jokes she was taking concerning what there was about her that might constitute 'tard bait.

She asked me to help her out with her little problem by pretending to be her boyfriend. I was to inform Dee Dee of that fact and run him off. So, at lunch that day, we were walking down the sidewalk arm in arm and, on schedule, Dee Dee appeared and began (continued?) salivating over her. I puffed up like a toad. I pushed him. I threatened him. I backed him into a corner, jacked him up till only his toes were still on the ground, and let him know I was going to kick his ass if he didn't leave my girl alone. The whole time, he never took his eyes off of her, and pretty much ignored me. Sigh. So, what am I gonna do, beat some 'tard's ass on the sidewalk in front of the school over a girl I wasn't even particularly involved with? Some might. Not me. I shrugged at her and said, "I gave it a shot..."

She finally fucked him to get him to go away, which, incidentally, worked a lot better than me threatening to beat his ass. Score one for the "Give Piece A Chance" crowd.

Heh, heh, heh. I crack me up.

Anyhow, Dee Dee presently pushes shopping carts for a living. He's been doing it for years -- you may have seen him, wandering around the WalMart property, apparently at random, collecting shopping carts and doing that "build the train" trick where he winds up pushing thirty or forty shopping carts in a silver, semi-out-of-control metal snake across the parking lot in a futile effort to get back to the shopping cart storage area without knocking a fist-sized chunk out of someone's new paint job.

This task alternates with sweeping, responding to "Cleanup On Aisle 7" calls and other flunky work.

Dee Dee, as I say, does this for a living, which is pretty cool when you think of it. Since his IQ hovers in the 40-50 range (Democratic voter), he COULD just lay around and be pitiful and collect money siphoned out of MY paycheck by government leeches who feel sorry for him, but he actually works, and he's even pretty good at it -- a regular walking, talking, "You Too Can Be Worth A Shit" After School Special. Every welfare recipient in the country should be measured against Dee Dee, and if they are smarter than he is (which is to say above "Educated Doorknob" level,) they shouldn't get another fucking dime they don't work for.

Never mind -- that's politics. Back to Dee Dee:

Dee Dee is such an exemplary employee, as demonstrated by his unflagging 20 years of shopping cart collecting, he not only gets to wear an official WalMart uniform with his name on a tag, they've also promoted him. Now, in addition to making shopping cart snakes, he also is responsible for the electric "mobility units" which fat and/or lazy and/or crippled (FLC) folk use to clot up aisles and maim pedestrians trying to shop in WalMart. It's a responsibility that he takes so seriously that at least three times a day a little drama plays out in which an FLC waddles in, wedges her bovine ass up onto a cart, and makes The Discovery: Dee Dee takes the keys with him, and issues them out one at a time.

Now, this is considerably above and beyond the original duties envisioned when Dee Dee got the job (keeping the batteries charged, hosing off and Lysoling the FLC goop so the next FLC with a compromosed immune system doesn't catch something and sue WalMart), and the local management has counselled him repeatedly concerning the matter, but he keeps doing it. Since WalMart also doesn't want to get sued for making one of their "special" employees feel like a moron by telling him to just leave the fucking things alone and go back to his shopping cart collecting, they LET him keep doing it.

Of course, all the FLC regulars know Dee Dee and, I think, don't even really get that aggravated at him. That doesn't keep them from sitting on their DOA "mobility units" and hollering for Dee Dee at the top of their lungs, which, if he hears them, results in him abandoning the shopping carts (usually across a parking lot traffic lane) and coming in to issue the "mobility unit" key, accompanied by a Buckingham Palace, Changing Of The Guard-class,ceremonial Inspection Of The Keys in order to find the right one among the wad he carries with him.

Maybe you gotta be there, but trust me, this is some seriously funny shit.

Anyhow, WalMart has recently started purchasing little motorized units to assist in the apparently-not-cutting-edge-enough shopping-cart collection job. As far as I can tell, you collect your shopping cart snake, attach the motorized unit to it, and away you go, without having to do the traditional butt-gusting (related to "gut busting," but smells worse) basket shove.

Since these things have made their appearance, everyone's been hanging out in the vicinity of the WalMart parking lot hoping to be around whenever Dee Dee gets his first run with the equipment. If he undertakes the operation of the machines with the enthusiasm he's devoted to his cart runs and impenetrable incompetence in his sideline hobby of immobilizing FLCs, he'll likely be the first person in history to have a motorized Shopping Cart Snake Incident that involves the whole shitteree sliding out of control, into a wall and, possibly, bursting into flame.

Should be a good time.

"2123, 2100"

"This is 2123, go ahead, Chief."

"Where the fuck are you at? Thought you were working a piss-ant parking lot fender-bender. Wrap it up and get back on the road."

"Uh, Chief, I got a ways to go on this one. You probably ought to see if 2117 can cover my district for a while..."

"Why? How many cars are involved in that thing, anyhow?"

"Uhmm....none."

"None!?!"

"Affirmative, none, zero, zip."

"So, what's the problem?"

"Well, sir, Dee Dee collected a long train of shopping carts, got it up to speed, slid the whole ball of wax sideways, hit a parking block, and rolled 40 of the damned things. Only minor injuries, but we had to cut him out of the wreckage and there's about $3000 in damage. You know I gotta do a full report if it's more than $1500."

"Damn. Too bad. But what's taking so long to get the report? Wasn't anyone but Dee Dee involved, was there?"

"Chief, you ain't listening...FORTY shopping carts. I got 160 friggin' skid marks to measure....."

In Our Next Episode: Probably something to piss someone off...