Concubines

Turns out this "Being the Devil" gig is a lot more complicated and a lot less rewarding than I'd initially hoped.

For one thing, the whole "sell your soul to the Devil" business model is getting WAY out of hand. It turns out that this is the only form of exchange I have nowadays 'cause I haven't gotten my first commission check yet. You ever tried to get anything out of a pimply teenaged convenience store clerk when all you've got to offer is 'tarnal flames shootin' up his innards? (Yeah, I know, but San Francisco is outside my area. I got Dallas, and the Oak Lawn district is pretty well fished out, if ya know what I mean.)

Me: I can give you long life, unlimited money, and unbridled sex on demand with anyone on Earth.

Clerk: Really? Wow, that would be WAY cool. What's the gag?

Me: Well, in exchange, you would have to sign over your 'tarnal soul.

Clerk: Uhmm, well, I'd have to think about that. That's one a' them "deals with the Devil" thingers, innit? NBC was talking about that and Ebay scams just last night.

Me: Yup, but, c'mon, look at all you're getting.

Clerk (pondering): Actually, y'know, that sounds pretty good. All that, and all you want is my soul, right?

Me: Yeah. Well, your soul and a Diet Coke and a bag of Peanut M&Ms.

Clerk: Oh. Oh.... Uhmm, well. Look, I'm, sorry, I'd love to but I can't really do that. This stuff comes out of my paycheck if I don't charge you.

I mean, it's just all day with the negotiations and wheedling and trickery and bad fiddle music. What a pain in the ass.


And the women? Well, as I told Mark, I've been interviewing concubines. So far, all that have applied are porn stars and the Undead. Don't get me wrong, they're pretty hot, but where're the girl-next-door types?

(Related note: I've discovered that if you're "interviewing" vampires, bring a truck-load of those little "dot" shaped Band Aids. Don't worry. No one's gonna see 'em where you're gonna have to use them...them vampires look all depressed and angst ridden, but they're some enthusiastically KINKY little slutmonkeys...)

Well fine. I took the job, I'll try to make a go of it. It'll probably awhile before I can get back on here. I'll be out on the street panhandling spare change and on the net trying to corrupt nubile young redheads.

Work, work, work.

In Our Next Episode: State regulators start fucking with me for "Unlicensed Deviltry".