Tioga Redux

Several years ago I posted somewhere about a visit to a small North Dakota town named Tioga. I don't even recall why I was passing through there except that I was on a wandering vacation, but I do recall the women. The exact quote from the newsgroup I was residing in at the time (alt.bitterness):

"I stood in freezing waterfalls in the Rocky Mountains of Montana, and waded through sunflowers in Kansas. I have walked in the sand of deserts in Wyoming, swum and fished in the lakes of Utah, and been astonished at the beautiful women in small towns in (!?) North Dakota (must be all that Nordic blood)....
=============Small town, probably about a thousand. I was there for some time and every single female without exception was a heartbreaker; strong, healthy, friendly, no-bullshit country girls, raised in a region that is unrelentingly hostile six months a year. What're the odds of that? I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE. Mostly blondes, ranging from golden wheat to Norweigan white-blonde, with a couple of brunettes thrown in just for spice. Eyes mostly in the ice-blue range, but varying to near-indigo. Zowie. Gives me the heavy chest just to think of it.
Tioga Wimmin. Or Nordic Wimmin Anyhow
Anyhow, check it out. Go northeast from Williston on US 2 for about...naw, forget it. It's like Shangri-La. If you go hunting it, you will never find it. You just gotta fall into it....."

Some years later (this weekend to be exact), I again went to Tioga. Except this time, it was Tioga, TEXAS. Again, a seriously small town, barely a crossroad in US 377 about 1/2 way between Collinsville and Pilot Point.

You've never heard of them either, but those are the big towns within 15 miles or so of Tioga.

AGAIN, I was just passing through and decided, for no apparent reason, to stop and get something to eat. The only obvious place to eat in town, other than Mobil Quickstop Fridge Sandwiches Center was a little hole-in-the-wall BBQ joint named "Clark's Outpost".

Now, I want you to know that this is no one's idea of an impressive restaurant. Seriously, the place looks like it was built in someone's spare time with whatever materials came to hand. You pull open the plank-wood door using one of those "C" shaped handles screwed into a plank -- none o' your plebeian door-knobs here -- and step into a wooden interior with a concrete floor. The tables are rickety affairs about a half step up between card tables and "50's diner", and the chairs are all mismatched trailer-court dining-room style. The walls are covered in pictures of local cowboys and a ton o' horses, including a variety of portrait-type pencil and painting drawings by some talented local.

The place, in short, is about as sophisticated as a County Fair tractor pull.

First thing I noticed on the menu was the prices -- RIGHT fucking pricey. Eh, OK, I'm here, I'd just as well go for it. I ordered up a rack of ribs, some fries and jalapeño black-eyed peas. This all came with a giganto glass of iced tea.

The first thing to hit the table was a bottle of BBQ sauce -- made on site, and put into the old-style wire-and-plug beer bottles. Then the food came.

Let me be 100% clear. I know my BBQ, and as Wayne can tell you, I'm particular to BBQ'd pig parts. Now, knowing that, you also probably ought to know that the only reason I'm not STILL at Clark's is because they wouldn't let me sleep on the table, not to mention which it was becoming clear toward the end of the rack of ribs that being covered clear to the ears in BBQ sauce and rib crust was not only NOT bothering me, but was rapidly turning into a near-erotic incident which was beginning to frighten the staff.

In short, hands down the best BBQ ribs ever.

I did some research and it turns out that this little hole-in-the-wall attracts people from everywhere. In fact, high-rollers periodically helicopter in from Dallas, landing in the field across the street in order to get a Clark's brisket or BBQ meal.


Bottom line? Every time I go to a "Tioga", something RILLY good happens. I'm gonna be on the road to the next one, as soon as I can figure out where it is.

In Our Next Episode: I try to figure out how to combine my multi-Tioga experiences by brushing Nordic wimmin with Clark's BBQ sauce.