Justin's Got A (Pellet) Gun...

Exciting news out of Denton, TX...they have found a way to dramatically improve the human gene pool.

Beneficial modifications to a defective strain found in the general population were made, not as expected in the UNT Biology Research labs, but in a creative street experiment by a Denton police officer. Lab rat Justin Michael Gregg, 21, successfully self-destructed, thereby removing himself from the gene pool with only minor involvement of actual humans.

The officer, who cannot be identified until the patent on his new "Gene Pool Modification Therapy" is properly filed and reviewed, modestly commented that his foray into surgically removing defective DNA strands would not have been possible without considerable preparatory work.

"I know that the final results of the experiment occurred in a very short time, but it's important to remember that the parents, friends, and family of the subject were heavily involved in over 20 years of preparing him for this therapy," the officer commented, "all of them were instrumental in the formation of a experimental human petri dish with a low enough IQ to actually believe that being a stud and waving a gun around at police always results in a humorous exchange or exciting escape. And, credit where credit's due, furnishing a steady diet of movies and TV to a subject brain-damaged enough to apply them to his real life was also critical to the successful outcome of this experiment and cannot be overemphasized."

Denton PD reports that the experiment with the primary subject was wildly successful, with the subject not only getting a shiny pellet-gun which looked exactly like a long-slide .45 pistol and doing stupid shit with it in the middle of the night in a populated area, but actually independently improving on the scenario by wearing a black bandana and threatening a fair number of real humans at a fast food restaurant, and wrapping it up by pointing the weapon at responding police, all apparently after getting into an argument with some passing stranger in the drive-through lane.

In fact, the only minor disappointment in the experimental results was that a second subject accompanying Gregg did not also pull out a weapon, but instead fell to the ground screaming "Don't shoot me, don't shoot me!" while soiling himself.

"We were hoping for a two-fer," said the police spokesman, "but something went wrong with the programming on the second experimental subject. Turns out they only had the one gun between them, and the #2 subject waved it around for a bit before giving it back to Gregg. We are unclear on why these fuckheads didn't obtain another weapon before engaging in their end-series programming. We're looking into it, but don't expect to have to make any major changes in order to get this dipshit to also remove himself from the gene pool in fairly short order."

In Our Next Episode: More Salutory Effects On The Gene Pool; Our Series On Eating At Chinese Restaurants