Mysteries of Life

Mystery #1:

How does someone as homely as Sara Jessica Parker get to be hot? Isn't that against the rules or something? I mean, come on, look at the poor little thing. She's butt ugly. She's not even a redhead. So what is it? The clothes? The hair? The attitude?

Don't bother lying to me...I know you'd hit that. And you don't know why either.



Mystery #2:

Why aren't these two speeches, written in Hollywood, carved in granite and memorized like the Pledge of Allegiance by every American child in grade school? Screw that "moment of silence" crap. Teach 'em something useful.

And, related, how it is that leftist Hollywood maggotry can consider these monologues to be slaps against the capitalist foundation of our way of life when, in fact, they are a clarion call to freedom?

Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko, "Wall Street" -- Address to Teldar Paper Stockholders

The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed -- for lack of a better word -- is good.

Greed is right.

Greed works.

Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit.

Greed, in all of its forms -- greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge -- has marked the upward surge of mankind.

And greed -- you mark my words -- will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA.

Danny DeVito as Larry 'The Liquidator' Garfield, "Other People's Money" -- Address to Stockholders of New England Wire & Cable Co.)

Compare those to "Big Government Is Good Government" Hillary's "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good," and Osama Obama's "Americans have a collective responsibility to each other."

I think not, Comrades.

Mystery #3:

Why does Häagen-Dazs® call their new ice cream "Mayan Chocolate" when, after repeated attempts I have been unable to get a single virgin to sacrifice herself for the stuff?

• Sub-Mystery #3A: Did the Mayans do that, or am I thinking of Druids or Mormons or something?


• Sub-Mystery #3B: Where would one go about finding a virgin nowadays anyhow?

In Our Next Episode: Answers From The Oracle