LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Actor Dick Wilson, who earned an enduring place in U.S. pop culture for his TV commercial role as Mr. Whipple, the nervous grocer who warned customers "Please, don't squeeze the Charmin" in toilet-paper ads, has died at age 91.So one day in the late 70's I'm watching TV and whining about the shit quality, which, incidentally, has been on a downhill slide even since then. Anyhow, I tell the Next Of Kin I've about had it with the endless sludge pouring out of the electronic tit.
As the words are leaving my mouth, an ad comes on...three Cleaver-housewife-style bimbos standing at the end of a grocery aisle squashing toilet paper. ROLLS of toilet paper while they warble along about how freakin' soft it is. That's a near exact quote by the way: "This freakin' toilet paper is soft enough to buff a baby's butt!" spoken while kneading this stuff like a porn star's ass with a shuddery, orgasmic look on their faces. You just know that if they weren't wearing TV-Censor-Approved bullet-bras, you'd have seen a "Cat 5/Angelina Jolie" class nipple pop in progress.
Suddenly, MR WHIPPLE APPEARS after having done a long guerrilla crawl completely across the store in order to catch them IN THE ACT! (In these little dramas, he was like a TP obsessed Catwoman, except he didn't wear any scrap leather, was a lot gayer, and was almost infinitely less fuckable.)
"Ladies!" he quivered indignantly while recovering shredded packages, "PLEASE don't squeeze the Charmin!"
I sat there for a moment, unable to breathe. The pointless banality of the spot simply sucked all the air from the room. Finally I exhaled and turned to The Beneficiary. "We're selling that goddamn thing in the morning to the first person who will make an offer on it."
I got $25.00, and didn't own another TV for nearly four years. Which, as it turned out, were the four years that my kids were developing into usable proto-humans, which means they learned how to do stuff that doesn't involve being sucked 24/7 through the black-hole portal of "the vast wasteland", which means they will sooner or later wind up running the world.
Which means I owe Mr Whipple. As does my kids.
As does the world.
In Our Next Episode: How Black and White TV's Lucy Ricardo ("Miss Whiny Bitch 1959") nearly derailed my redhead lustin'
Not Lucy
Yeah,Lucille Ball was NOT FUNNY. I think it was because back then you had to watch the 3 networks or read a book, so the networks decided what would be funny, and the result was Lucille Ball and a laugh track.
ReplyDeleteOh, very nice, AD, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI love the tan line. It accentuates her tits very nicely. Speaking of which, where are they???
"you probably didn't want to go there anyhow."
ReplyDeleteYeah, I might find it offensive...
Where do you find these babes???
Mark Sez: Where do you find these babes???"
ReplyDeleteIt requires a certain dedication to a sole purpose that one usually only finds in certain severe OCD personalities or crack addicts.
I'm thinking of writing a book -- "Mainlining Redheads - The Story Of My Secret Shame And How It Destroyed My Life."
It will be mostly pictures and, with luck, banned practically everywhere.
I'm thinking THIS ONE for the cover (an oldie but goodie)...
- AD -