Airport Porn

First, let me be crystal clear on this: I don't have any particular problem with nekkid airport scanning, nor with some TSA "screener" fondling my junk:

I get more radiation sitting around with this friggin' laptop marinating my crotch, so there's no health concern, I'm roughly as bashful as a Vegas stripper, so I sure don't care about some low-res image of my fatbody frame being broadcast to whoever's interested.  Hell, if I thought anyone was THAT interested, I'd stencil my phone number on my chest in lead paint so they'd know how to find me. And it really is pretty  low-res. There has been a picture floating around the net which supposedly shows the "real" details that TSA can see:

It gets worse - some geek figured out that when you invert the colors, you get some surprisingly good porn:

Spooky shit, yah?  I thought so, too, especially since I've seen some of the backscatter products first hand, and I have YET to see anything even remotely that detailed.  Which is why I wasn't surprised when I finally tracked down the original stuff.  Without putting too fine a point on it, it's a fake. It's an image copied from a CD-full of body images (for Ah-tists), which you can see for yourself here with a couple of "artifacts" photoshopped in and the colors inverted.

Voila, a TSA jerk-off story.

At any rate, I don't care. The main outcome I can see is that panic-stricken liberals, the ACLU, privacy freaks, Muslim women, and health-nutjobs who hear the word "radiation" and shit themselves won't be getting on the plane with me. (By the way, you get about 5-8 times as much radiation from the extra gamma rays you suck up at 40,000 feet than you do in the scanner. RADIATION, PEOPLE! STAY HOME!)  Which gets down to fewer people on the plane, and more specifically, fewer panicky, dickhead people on the plane.

Yeah, well, not all that terrible an outcome, y'know?

Now, on the other hand, since I'm willing to put up with TSA, they shouldn't mind if I jerk them around a bit.  For one thing, I'm a little curious how they're going to approach my "prosthetic" - on backscatter, it looks - uhmm - natural(?) So when I show up with this thing snaking down my leg:

...which of them is going to decide they just HAVE to check it out?  Who's going to tell me that something's "wrong" with my unit? And who gets to do the "pat and squeeze", and how much of an apology am I going to get when they find out that, in fact, my memory IS my second-shortest thing, and now they've embarrassed me to Congressional levels looking for a dick-bomb?

Stand by for a YouTube moment...

In Our Next Episode: Redhead Backscatter Porn