Confession

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It's been over 50 years since my last confession. This is not as bad as it sounds what with this and that and the other happening in my life, but mostly being as I'm not Catholic, and also because I think that the concept of priests is, at best, laughable, so that kinda cut into the time I spend in what appears to be a re-purposed porn-viewing booth babbling like a delusional street psychotic at a chunk of slat-screen. 

So, y'know, it's been awhile.

Since my last confession (which, for today, I'm assuming may have occurred in another life) I've done enough stuff that neither of us have time to cover it all, so I'm gonna go for a general absolution, if you don't mind, which I understand costs extra, what with the industrial-grade indulgences required. I'm good with that.

But before we move on and I embark on my newly purified, white-as-the-driven-snow life, there's something I'm going to need help with, a bit of direct intervention from the Big Guy. I understand you're the mouthpiece to Miracle Central, so pass this along - I need to get my head and heart right, because a current, ongoing sin is probably going to finish me off if I can't get a handle on it.

I despise a 6-year-old. Can that be right?

Honey Boo Boo And Her Pimp

I mean, yeah, I hate her fat-assed, redneck, piece of shit mother, but, then, everyone does. It's practically a virtue, right? I think somewhere in Leviticus it commands us to stone this sort of defective before they infest the Holy Water or some such. In any event, that's not the issue. 

The problem is that I absolutely despise that kid. She's not worth a shit. She's never going to be worth a shit. And it's wrong, isn't it? I mean, don't all little kids have potential? Who hates little kids? I'm feeling all guilty over realizing how much this rank little turd annoys me on a deeply personal level.

So, Father, once you're done sloshing Holy Water all over me or whatever magic show you usually do to take care of my ordinary sins, I need you to get on the horn with The Man and have him strike these clowns, tree, and root, two generations any direction, and take them out of my life and the human gene pool so I don't have to feel bad over being this disgusted with them anymore.

Personally, I'd recommend smacking them with one or more a' those heavenly lightning bolts, sorta spot welding them into smoking abstract sculptures in their tin shack, but He's the pro with this sort of thing, so I'll leave it to his best Judgement. So to speak.

Thanks, Father. You're a sport. 

Et ego te absolvo a peccatis tuis in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. 

No, wait, is that your line? It might be. I really gotta take another look at that "all about Catholicism" pamphlet I got from the Baptists before I try this again.  Anyhow, take it easy - see ya' in the funny papers!

In Our Next Episode: Hang on a tick - I feel another sin coming on...