In Celebration Of Tech

I've been covering myself in technolology lately, buying the Latest Thing in order to better impress the natives. Specifically, I've now got a black Razr V3 phone (replacing the cell phone I've been carrying since the late '50s which was roughly the size and weight of your average cinderblock) and a skinny little Dell Latitude D610 laptop (which replaces the laptop I WAS using which conveniently stored away in any medium-sized luggage, preferably with wheels if you intended to actually move it anywhere).

This means that I've acquired a ton o' "thin" tech stuff. Well, more accurately, I've acquired a few ounces of tech stuff. These things are so skinny that they're nearly transparent and so lightweight that I've got to chain them to fixed objects (e.g., my belt, which is attached to my fat ass, which is gravitationally challenged enough to keep them from wandering off.)

In fact, it occurs to me that we're the most steeped-in-information people in history, yet we are rapidly approaching the point where the tools we rely on are so insubstantial that we don't even cast a shadow.

This probably highlights some enormously important philosphical point which the greybeards can latch ahold of and mumble and nod over and publish scolding little treatises about, but which I'm going to completely ignore in order to bitch about my new toys.

Well, I'm gonna bitch about Dell anyhow -- the Razr is working well now that we've gotten past the initial difficulties caused by a batch of "bad SIMs". A SIM (Subscriber Identity Module), by the way, is the teeny little computer chip in your phone which stores more information than all the RAM in the first three computers I owned combined. The main function of the SIM is to determine whether you are

• a. A Connected World Citizen sailing through your life, efficient, smooth, and effective, eased along by the thin black portal of technology; or,



• b. A deranged, screaming, very likely dangerous psychotic who has missed a half-dozen critically important calls after a SIM failure, and who is laying waste to the local Razr delaership and making the clerk cry after which she finally gives you an entire handful of new SIMs just to get you out of the store.

I find that proactive engagement of the working classes is generally productive.

No, the problem I have in life is Dell. OK, here's the scoop:

As you know, I spend a considerable amount of time on the web, reading, publishing, and generally fucking off. As a result, it's important to me how good everything looks that's coming off the web and onto my screen. The answer, with my brand-new, out-of-the-box Dell, was "looks like crap, bud."

The graphics were muddy and ragged, some text which was PART of the graphics was unreadable, and in general, it looked like I was trying to access the web with a friggin electronic crayon. The breaking point was when I accessed my own site and discovered that I couldn't even read the AC/DC tattoo so endearingly rendered on Drea de Matteo's cooze.

Now, not being able to appreciate the full range of the net's Viagra pop-up graphics was one thing, but fucking up pix of Hot Persons is ALWAYS unforgivable, never mind that it's on a BRAND NEW COMPUTER which is supposed to be The Shit.

So, I began...I'll spare you the details of the resolution fixes, the monitor drivers, the system updates, etc., etc., etc. Let's just say it's been an interesting afternoon. And, at the end of the day, what did I find?

Well, it seems that this has been a problem with Dells since at least 2004, and on a variety of models. Dell, in their tech support, refers to it as an "out of the box" problem, as it affects LOTS o' machines right out of the box. What is it?

You ain't gonna believe this: Dell laptop monitors are designed to function at 96DPI (dots per inch). This is referred to as "Normal" in every piece of literature I can find. Dells, however, are SET AT THE FACTORY for 120DPI -- in order that EVERYTHING on the screen shows up at 125% actual size, which they deemed to be easier on the eyes. Unfortunately, this spreads the web graphics out to 125%, and most web graphics pretty much suck at anything but 100%. So, I went back into the preferences, changed this little chunk of weirdness back to 96DPI, and now everything looks fine.

[Note that everything looked fine in FireFox either way -- apparently MS Internet Explorer uses the setting, but FireFox avoids it somehow.]

Now, would someone care to explain to me why Dell would DELIBERATELY set something on one of their machines which fucks up everything coming off of the web into the most popular browser in history (MSIE)? Were they under the impression that the larger fonts and whatnot that their little exercise is supposed to improve is why anyone buys their machines? Are they TRYING to get people to use FireFox while forgetting that it's more likely that your average consumer will simply buy something other than a Dell?

Is it possible they totally overlooked the statistics which indicate that over 99% of all machines sold are bought with the intent to spend as much time as possible viewing internet porn, the remainder being used for playing games and buying useless shit off of EBay, all of which consists of 100% web graphics that THEY'VE SCREWED UP? And which they continue to screw up, even as they list it as a problem on thier own tech support forums?

Is corporate dumbass actually getting WORSE?

Recommendation: Sell your Dell stock. If this is the best they can do, they're in trouble.

In Our Next Episode: I publish a facinating series of photographs taken by my cell phone as it was stuffed into a personal oriface at the Razr Store. Alternate title: "Hey, You Ever See One A' These Up Close?"