Americans Scheduled For Overdue Ass-Toughening

"A shortage of high-quality paper for recycling could mean scratchy toilet tissue."

In case you haven't been keeping track of this critical issue, it seems there isn't enough high-quality recyclable paper to make toilet paper that won't sand your nether regions down to pulpy raw nerve endings.

You see, when you manufacture paper, you need long, strong fibers to make really soft paper, and the more often you recycle it, the shorter and weaker they get, and the rougher the paper gets. It seems that nowadays,what with all that non-paper-consuming email, electronic news, IPads, E-News, and online documents, getting paper to recycle that hasn't already been through the mix 173 times is getting tougher and tougher.

That means that those of you who are insisting on using nothing but recycled stuff are shortly going to be abusing your ass with sheets of heavily-processed, low-grade plywood recycled from abandoned "Habitat For Humanity" construction sites firebombed by the neighbors to get rid of the gangbangers.

Now, I'm totally good with this, as I personally only use "recycled" when I need to buff stains out of linoleum, and/or it's as good as the other kind and/or the tradeoff for cheaper works; in any event, there is no indication that there is any shortage of TP made from the virgin hearts of the trees ripped from the threatened sacred forests of Endor, or wherever it is they get it.

TP Components Before The Bulldozers Arrive

But I am kinda curious - is this all necessary? The fact is that we are using less paper, which is why there's less recyclable available. Less paper being used means fewer unicorn testicles or whatever the rare stuff is they need to make it are being used.

Which means that the need to recycle is falling off, having been trumped by (a) market forces and (b) technology.

So why are people continuing to find new ways to abuse themselves (in the present case, by stripping the surfaces off their asses with crunchy bits o' teeny lumber?

"Ouch"

I'm torn between whether this is the usual PR/PC posturing and "sacrifice" by people who want to believe to themselves that they are "doing something" or whether it's more in the category of a "temporary" Obama tax increase - e.g., it's permanent because more pointlessly stupid a given thing is the greater the built-in momentum tending against making it stop.

Either way, y'all need to start packing your inflatable donut when you go to work every day - I'll guarantee you, the cheapest splintery stuff they can find is what's going to be provided by your job-site, your restaurant, your bar, and your hotel/motel. This will allow them to put that goofy green arrow thingie on all their letterhead and products and advertise as being "Pro-Environment, Green, and Friends of the Earth" on the Company website and pamphlets and to the stockholders, even if their main corporate mission is, in fact, slowly mashing cute beagle puppies to make untraceable biodegradable poison to get rid of Greenpeace boats in whale harvest areas:

When y'all get tired of it, some on over to my place - I got the "fluffy-soft-oh-my-God-is-that-angel-wings-fluttering-up-my-butt" TOTALLY irresponsible stuff - your ass will thank you, and, much as your "recycling" company, you can continue with your personal purchasing purity and calling me a right-wing reactionary prick who can't be bothered to suffer for some pointless PC ideal.

All I ask in return is that you don't VAT-tax me to oblivion because of my "luxury."  I get it. YOU do it because of your masochistic middle-class guilt, so you think we should ALL have to do it because the America YOU know demands that we all be EQUAL. If one of us is wiping our ass with a stick for some halfwit "good cause," by God we all ought to.

If THAT'S your attitude, don't be showing up at my place whining about being raw as hamburger from your taint to your spine, unless you're just TRYING to make me laugh.

In Our Next Episode: Yes, I know that maybe she wasn't a redhead. But not bad anyhow, no? We'll just call her a redhead, right? Oh, fine, I'll make it up next post. Or the one after.