Suntan vs Untan: A Racist's Guide To Skin Care

As we all know, blondes are dumber than a sack of hammers, and pale people generally are inferior because their lack of melanin indicates some weak-kneed deficiency in their overall health. It's not their fault - as with all racial defectives, it's some sort of genetic thing.

I mean, think about it - how many sick-unto-death heroines have you seen/read about that had a sun-kissed "glow" about them when they shuffled off this mortal coil? Most of them are so pale they're practically blue.

Pale, Consumptive, Blonde Bimbo Annoying Her Betters

Now some of us (generally classified by science as "homo superioris" or "H. Superioris" for those who know there are no homos among us)* have an extensive (if somewhat murky) background in Native American genetics, and therefore usually display the much-sought-after "bronzed god" tone, even in the midst of winter. After outdoor activity (say barhopping all over two states on a motorcycle, for example) we sport an even more superior tan once we get the bugs and road grit scraped off.

All of this explains why there is a one bazillion dollar a year (an estimate, which I just made up) tanning industry. No surprise that everyone wants to upgrade their tone to be more healthy-appearing, attractive, successful, sexually desirable, and generally more attuned to those of us who actually run the world, as explained in the following ad:

Of course, it's totally racist, utilizing the fears of the pale-bimbo defectives to sell a product that isn't really changing anything. After all, a spray-tanned blonde's eyes STILL twinkle when you stick a flashlight in her ear (which is why it's a required admission test at all the better universities.) It's merely a pathetic and obvious attempt to join the cool kids. People making money off of an instinctive drive like that are monsters, catering to the hapless defectives' deepest fears and insecurities just to make a buck.

But no one gives a shit. I mean, c'mon, they're only blondes.

On the other hand, Vaseline, Inc., has discovered that there is an whole SEPARATE market out there - the drive to "untan."

It seems that Indians (as in the sub-continent, not my forebears) are also generally deeply stained with melanin goodness. Some, in fact, have gone overboard, and are roughly the same color as Al Sharpton's butthole, even though they and the Iranians are in fact the original Aryans (or "Arya" for those of you who speak Sanskrit).

My idea of some smokin' hot "Aryan" babe, in fact, is an Iranian actually NAMED Shiva Aryan, which she seems to have taken from one of the bazillion utterly indecipherable aspects of Shiva, who is part of the incomprehensible, freakshow pantheon of Hindu(?) gods. (Or maybe it was Catholic. The one that has the bald sheet-wearers chanting in airports. Whichever.)

This is her - but before you click on the pic to get a more overall view, be advised that (1) She's VERY NSFW, at least if your work is one of those Commie places that don't like hot nekkid people; and, (2) She's naturally dark; and, (3) It's immediately apparent that there ain't a blonde hair on her.

Anywhere.

Whoa.  Whoof.  Hello? What happened there? Where was I?  Uhmmm...Oh, yeah,  the Indians. OK, to continue:

Not surprisingly, they (the Indians) are, in fact, a very bright people, most of whom spend their time on the phone with dumbasses like...well, probably not you, but maybe your neighbor...explaining why the latest technical wizardry you just bought won't work.** However, as a result of Hollywood's influence on Bollywood, combined with the fact that the West Coast in general and Hollywood in particular are run by the stupidest humans on earth (most of whom are -- surprise, surprise -- whitebread in extremis) "pale" is "in."

Vaseline, which up to this point was best known amongst rednecks as a less-petroleum-smelling alternative to axle grease for making "personal" stuff slick, dove into the self-abuse-for-beauty market:



So, what's the difference between this and the shake-and-bake bimbo upgrade?

Beats the fuck out of me, but oh-so-superior, elitist, leftist protectors†of the poor, dumbassed underclass‡ seem to know:


Vaseline skin-lightening app stirs debate.

Some Indian dipstick named Kunnath Santhosh says the application was the latest evidence of what he calls the "'I want to be fairer' craze" sweeping India. Santhosh calls the creams "unacceptably racist" and has urged the Indian government to ban them.

Uhmmm. OK. Why?

Well, because:

"My son saw one of the ads on TV showing his favorite hero Shahrukh Khan (a popular Bollywood superstar) peddling a whitening cream and he told me that he wants to be fairer and that he is ugly."

OK, Kun...Kinn....Kann....aw, fuckit...Mujibar, let me explain this to you: You've raised a hypersensitive child, which gives you an excuse to publicly breast-beat over goofy crap like this, which says a lot more about you than either the kid or Vaseline, although we can't overlook the possiblity that the kid is just stupid. Have you had him checked for blue eyes?

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Footnotes:

* Even our ancestors named themselves "The People," since even to primitives, it was obvious that the rest -- well, weren't.
** Answer: It's a Democrat
† Democrats
‡ Non-Republican Failures

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In Our Next Episode: My blonde wife and pale, redheaded girlfriend join forces to beat me like a Salvation Army Drum.